Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I've had a few lately. Usually some trigger sets me off. Yesterday, it was a favorite hymn of my dad. I could just picture him singing this in the car while driving down the interstate on one of our many long-distance trips. I was comfortingly in the backseat, often sleeping or at least lying down attempting to enter that state that would make the miles seem shorter. My dad spent those time-filled miles either singing or quoting scripture while my mom would check him for accuracy. He could quote entire books of the Bible.
Anyway, back to yesterday. I quickly left the chair I had been sitting in at the nursing home (visiting my mom and trying to cheer her up--really did well with that). I hurried to my mom's room and sobbed uncontrollably. The tears just wouldn't stop. I tried to logically tell myself, This is ridiculous, just stop. Haven't you just spent the last 10 years watching your dad depart this life, step by step, inch by inch. When I finally got composed enough to tell the CNA I had to leave and to explain to my mom why I didn't return to the hymn sing, I ducked out a side door. I just could not stay any longer. As soon as I got to my truck, I let loose again. Try driving with tears and snot running down your face. I probably should have pulled over but I just wanted to get home.
Grief is strange. It hits you at the strangest and most inopportune times. We try to be so strong about life's trials and not be "weak". I want the "joy of the Lord" to be my strength. Does joy allow for tears? Yes. My greatest comfort is in John 11. "Jesus wept". Death caused Jesus himself great human pain and grief. His friend had died. Jesus let it out and wept. He was not just sad or unhappy, He wept. To me, that indicates a bit of time; it involved much sorrow that needed to be released. Death has a sting to it, but thankfully it is not forever.
So for now, the tears will flow freely at any given moment. Don't be uncomfortable with them; don't try to fix them. Just hug me and pass the Kleenex.
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